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Celebrities Doing Weird Things (S&D)

by Jacob Wittenberg

I've become accustomed to weird dreams--when I remember my dreams, it's because they're utterly absurd. The latest ridiculous story entails a crazy adventure through the streets of Beijing with good pals of mine, Mahatma Gandhi, Sean Connery as James Bond, and some other dude I made up named Jenkins (probably based off of Bruce Willis' character in Die Hard). Before I continue, I hope nobody is offended by Gandhi's role in this dream; yes, he's non-peaceful in real life, but in my mind, he's a bad-ass, machine wielding bodyguard. Why? I have no clue, but no disrespect meant. If it helps, replace his name with Rambo or something.

Anyhow, I was somehow on the most wanted list of Beijing--an accomplishment reserved for only the truest beasts of the beasts. Being on the wanted listed is no trivial achievement. No, being on this exclusive list means you cannot show your face outside without having to dodge hitmen upon hitmen, bullets on bullets, and assassination attempts at every turn. Add the Beijing language barrier to this equation--survival odds are about 3% (According to Sean Connery James Bond dude who apparently knows statistics in the dream world). While survival is unlikely, a fun dream is inevitable.

So, I stepped outside with my ragtag entourage. Before I knew it, I heard the rat-tat-tat of Gandhi's AK blaring, taking down an armed man in the suit. The piercing accent of Connery warned me, "We must be careful". I was not down to be composed...I started sprinting, apparently knowing parkour, doing flips jumping off walls, generally sweet things. Bullets were flying left and right, but Gandhi had me covered, now blasting away our pursuers with throwing stars, throwing knives, and tomahawks (I play too much Call of Duty, probably). Jenkins was leading the way at this point, sprinting through alleys, pushing locals out of the way. I had no clue where we were going, but eventually we ended up at an apartment building where Gandhi spoke his first words, "Jacob, we're here. From here on, you're on your own. I've got to go to dinner with my mother." The other thugs in my party nodded, stating similar excuses.

So, I walked into the apartment, armed with only my wit and parkour abilities. I climbed the stairs, 7 stories up to find a locked door. I turned around to try a different level of the building, only to find I was now on a beach...pretty normal stuff. The locked door was still there, though. I'm sure that's symbolic of something, but I have no clue what. I tried to pick the lock, but I woke up before I opened it--there was annoying construction outside my window, and now I'll never know what the journey was for.

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