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My boyfriend raped me... while he was asleep.

I've been in a relationship with the love of my life for 2 years now. I sleep over almost every night, and we have a very healthy active sex life. However, I have woken up several times in the middle of the night to my boyfriend trying to engage in sex-- all while he is deeply asleep. He never remembers in the morning when it happens, or he'll wake up partway through and act completely confused. He has a history of severe sleepwalking and sleeping so deeply that it is nearly impossible to wake him up. I shrugged this off as a weird quirk of his, considering nothing serious had happened as a result.


Last night, I woke up to my boyfriend trying to do it again, while asleep. Only this time, I did NOT want to have sex. For the first time I tried fight him off. I pushed, twisted, shoved, told him to stop many times and that he was hurting me, but he did not respond other than to continue forcing himself on me. He was so strange, silent, and forceful that beyond being completely shocked, I became very afraid. Despite my efforts to the contrary, he had complete sexual intercourse with me. It was a painful and traumatizing experience.

He woke up about ten minutes after it was over, bewildered as to why I was hysterically crying and pulling my clothes on to leave.

I feel so violated, disgusted, and depressed. I can't stop crying and reliving the memory of last night. He apologized to me today, but all I could do at the time was communicate my extreme distress and hint that I wanted to leave him. I changed my mind later and tried contacting him, but he's completely withdrawn from me and I'm getting no response.

Should I break up with him, even though he didn't mean to do what he did? I feel like I was raped, I'm even in physical discomfort today, but he's my longterm boyfriend and it makes no sense that he would consciously rape me when he knows he could have consensual sex with me whenever he wants.

Also, I'm very afraid at this point because I've done some research and the fact that my boyfriend sexually assaulted me puts him at the extreme end of sexsomnia. I'm terrified that he could do more serious injury or even kill me in his sleep, never knowing what he was doing.

I'm so devastated and I don't know what to do.

Comments for My boyfriend raped me... while he was asleep.

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Apr 02, 2017
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But not touching is lonely NEW
by: Anonymous

Although not touching has helped with me and my partner(sometimes), it is extremely lonely, it's like going to bed by yourself, might as well get separate beds. I am a cuddly person, I like to cuddle in bed and I like to be able to touch my partner, and not being able to do that makes me feel awful and as I said, lonely.

Apr 02, 2017
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Don't touch NEW
by: Anonymous

I've found not having physical contact in the bed helps, although I've found myself waking a few times gasping for air with my heart pounding and an election. Rather me being woken than my partner anyway

Mar 26, 2017
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Sexsomnia NEW
by: Don

Hi...I'm so sorry to you for your tramautizing experience...

Unfortunately...I'm on the other side of this. In life, I'm almost a-sexual. But my sleeping self...

I have been dealing with this syndrome for over 10 years now, and the effects on my relationships are catastrophic. I don't know what this boyfriend of yours is like on a daily basis...but I can tell you that i am just as tramautized by my syndrome as my partners. When I do remember anything, it's because i woke up in the process. Usually when i wake up to it, or hearing about it, I feel sick and wrong. Disgusted in myself. But as powerless as I feel having done it, the worst part is that I can't seem to stop it, when it does take over.

Over the years I've learned the triggers; stress, exhaustion, overworking myself...and I've learned that it has no regard for my body. I feel pain, but not very well. Adrenaline pumped makes me stronger. And that the sex portion can come from any variety of reasons (I was trying to plug a hole in the boat, and had to use my tool...and the hole was my gf)

I do ask you not to take it too hard on him, even if you leave him because the relationship doesn't fit you. He did this, but had no power over himself...and he blames himself...probably more than you do.

Well...good luck. Again, I'm so so sorry.

Mar 01, 2017
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what probably happens? and what to do? NEW
by: Ivan

Well, in my opinion what really happens is, that brain in sleep will get really aroused (which can be normal and common), but when it combines with sleepwalking it may become a sexsomnia. In this state of mind may some parts of brain stop working, like those parts which let us be empathic. When these parts are "turned off", a person doesnt understand anything you telling about your feelings and needs. They just hear some blah blah blah. Also they cant realize, that what they are doing can hurt anybody, just like everything is just a thing, that cant feel anything. If person start to resist, the sexsomniac thinks, that you have no right to resist, because you are just a thing. The best solution at the moment when this happens is just to do what he wants until its all over. (In case of a man it can be just 2 minutes or even less, till he is satisfied and just fall asleep again).

The next day very probably he/she wont know anything about what happened last night, but its important to talk about it. Sexual behavior in sleep can be mostly triggered by drugs, alcohol, stress, trauma or deprivation. Its very important to solve troubles with these triggers. Some doctors advise sedatives or antidepressants, but I wouldnt recommend them unless they are really necessary. In my opinion its better to use a psychological therapy if needed, but the most important is to solve it between partners and prevent the triggers of these episodes. (You may take detailed notes what happened that day, before the sexsomniac episode, or write a diary and if it repeats try to figure out what those days have in common.)

I wish you a lot of patience and comprehension when dealing with this disorder.

Feb 27, 2017
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Refusing Is a Very Stupid and Dangerous Thing TO Do !!! NEW
by: Melissa

DO NOT TRY TO REFUSE !! REFUSING IS THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO. YOU CAN ACTUALLY BE KILLED BY DOING THIS. LIKE MY PREVIOUS COMMENT BEFORE SAYING I SAID NO AND HE LITERALLY STRANGLED ME. Please don't be so nieave as to do thathis.

Feb 27, 2017
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Progressively worse- together over 2 years NEW
by: Anonymous

I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 yearss now and it all started with a few tit groping sessions and maybe a hand down my underwear, but recently for the past maybe 6 months we have been having full blown sex. Sometimes he wakes me up from fingering me so I give him head and I wake him up, and he is confused on why I'm giving him head.

I have some a little bit of googling about it and he is very stressed due to YR 12 VCE and not having a job.

It isn't worrying me as such since I haven't tried to stop him because I don't mind occasionally being woken up by him kissing my neck and rubbing my clit. But would I be wrong in saying that the sexsomnia sex is actually more passionate and meaningful than when we're both awake?

I don't know how to explain it, but I am going to try and push him off next time and see how that goes.

Feb 24, 2017
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We have the same story !!!!! NEW
by: Melissa

This is the exact same thing that happened to myself and my partner, we have been together 4 years, and have been dealing with this around three, at first I thought he was just horny during the night. And then one night he came to bed, fell to sleep after we had already had sex, then he started to try and rub me, so me being tired and it being around 3am I said no, advised him to get off but he didn't, I fought back so hard, even punching him in the face, he actually grabbed my legs and pulled me back forcing himself on me. I couldn't stop screaming and all I wanted to do was just die. I ran down stairs after and continued to cry on the couch, I went to work the next day telling myself I will go home and leave him, but I got home and he was so confused as to why I was in such a foul mood. I thought he was being patronising about it, so I told him straight and I have never seen him so upset and angry at the same time. He told me he didn't know and apologised all day, he even agreed that I leave him, but I couldn't after finding out he has such a horrible condition I needed to be there for him, that was three years ago now and it does happen from time to time, but I never refuse it because I don't want things to get dangerous. It has kind of become a norm, and tbh it's no all that bad....the condition is called sexomnia.

Feb 22, 2017
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Radiation may stop Sexsomonia NEW
by: Anonymous

I've been with my b/f for 8 years. When it first happened, we would fight the next morning. And he acted as if it never happened.

Now I realize it happens in his sleep. Just last night again.

BUT, there was about 18 months that it did not happen.
That was after his cancer RADIATION treatments.

Did anyone else notice a break in the cycle after chemo?

BTW - mine is worst case scenario. A rapist, on parole, was able to get in my hotel room and he woke me up to rape me. Double whammy for next day trauma.

B/F is going to try Xanax tonight and see if that will make him sleep.

Jan 01, 2017
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idk why you people are getting fucking mad saying he is raoing u NEW
by: Anonymous person

i would be glad for my bf to do that, fuck me in my sleep, like common u can have sex with him normally. if you love him help him out dont bitch about it swallow that cum haha. "oh no i was with my bf for 2 years and he rapes me in my sleep oh my god bc it not the same as having normal sex but i love him so ill call the police and be like hey my bf raped me in my sleep but u see i let him fuck me normally when i want to so he deserves his dick to be choped off" like bruh relax it the same shit. just let him do his job jesus. it aint that bad. thats if ur actually in love with him. if not just leave. no point in making this shit into rape.

Sep 13, 2016
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Advice NEW
by: Anonymous

hi I was reading about what happened to you guys and you should consult a psychologist about it. I research about sleep for a report and the fifth stage of sleep the REM the body paralyses itself to prevent the person acting out hid dreams. I know It's so not cool to be raped by someone you trust even if they are dreaming about you guys. But you guys have to seek professional help there are many incidents of sleep walking that lead to death. I'm not trying to scare you but it's a must. Ladies please support your man in seeking help and be there every step of the way. even though they did not know what they were doing in there sleep it's still considered as rape. that's the only thing I can say seek professional help and support the man you love.

Sep 13, 2016
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Advice NEW
by: Anonymous

hi I was reading about what happened to you guys and you should consult a psychologist about it. I research about sleep for a report and the fifth stage of sleep the REM the body paralyses itself to prevent the person acting out hid dreams. I know It's so not cool to be raped by someone you trust even if they are dreaming about you guys. But you guys have to seek professional help there are many incidents of sleep walking that lead to death. I'm not trying to scare you but it's a must. Ladies please support your man in seeking help and be there every step of the way. even though they did not know what they were doing in there sleep it's still considered as rape. that's the only thing I can say seek professional help and support the man you love.

Sep 10, 2016
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continue NEW
by: fact you

Put some cctv so that there is an evedince

Jul 27, 2016
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This is called sexsomnia NEW
by: Julia

I believe my bf has this as well , because awhile ago I was super horny so I was going to wake him up to a blow job because that's a fantasy of his , I started off giving him a hand job and he was thrusting and moaning vigorously, which amused me so I kept going , eventually I wanted to start having sex , so I asked him what position he wanted to do , when he didn't answer I was like wtf lol , somehow we managed to start fucking , 2 minutes into the session he cums inside me , (I hate when he does that and he knows) after he cums he just lays there , while his dick is still in me , and falls asleep .... I was soo pissed , so throughout the whole night I was messing with him and each time , he'd cum and I wouldn't . I've always wanted to know why he has sex in his sleep and has no memory of it the next day , I finally did research and found out .. Don't break up with your bf unless he does that all the time , he wasn't raping you , it was in his sleep, so he had no real desicion it was all automatic , and pretty much robotic . They can't help it , its just like sleep walking, and people who sleep walk are more prone to being a sexsomniac as well . Sexsomnia sounds like bullshit , but it is a real thing , I've witnessed it first hand .

Jul 27, 2016
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This is called sexsomnia NEW
by: Julia

I believe my bf has this as well , because awhile ago I was super horny so I was going to wake him up to a blow job because that's a fantasy of his , I started off giving him a hand job and he was thrusting and moaning vigorously, which amused me so I kept going , eventually I wanted to start having sex , so I asked him what position he wanted to do , when he didn't answer I was like wtf lol , somehow we managed to start fucking , 2 minutes into the session he cums inside me , (I hate when he does that and he knows) after he cums he just lays there , while his dick is still in me , and falls asleep .... I was soo pissed , so throughout the whole night I was messing with him and each time , he'd cum and I wouldn't . I've always wanted to know why he has sex in his sleep and has no memory of it the next day , I finally did research and found out .. Don't break up with your bf unless he does that all the time , he wasn't raping you , it was in his sleep, so he had no real desicion it was all automatic , and pretty much robotic . They can't help it , its just like sleep walking, and people who sleep walk are more prone to being a sexsomniac as well . Sexsomnia sounds like bullshit , but it is a real thing , I've witnessed it first hand .

Mar 19, 2016
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please help?? NEW
by: Anonymous

My child's father had an episode very similar to this last night. I wanted to have sex so I tried to wake him up, but instead he forced himself on top of me & forcefully made me give him oral sex while not saying a word. He then "finished" by jetting off on me, all while I was fully clothed. When he was done, I jumped up & told him how disgusting & sick I thought that was & he just went right back to sleep. This morning when I told him what happened he didn't believe me. I don't know what to do, that really scared me & I will never be able to engage in any sexually act with him & feel the same way again. I told him I am done & I cannot be with anybody who is going to do that to me, ads you don't do that to somebody you love. Also, he did this in front of our 2 month old son, but fortunately he was asleep at the time. Please, anybody, give me some advice on hoe to handle this situation.

Mar 18, 2016
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rem sleep behaviour disorder??? NEW
by: Anonymous

My long time partner of ten years also had the same problem. We finally got help by doing sleep clinics and found that he had a rem sleep behavioural disorder amongst other things(sleep apna, BPD, c-ptsd also). At first it was the kick now and again then moved really quickly to having his hands against my neck. We did all the normal things separate rooms etc but our relationship was failing due to his night problems. Eventually it stepped up to raping me while in his sleep.again very confused as he had no memory of any of it happening. I can't bring myself to tell him all the details that he wants to know as I re live it many times. He is on medication now and last episode was nearly three years. I have forgiven him but I can't forget. Please please please if this has happened to you by your partner talk about it and get help. It could be something underlying. I could of been dead by now if I didn't push him to get help.

Feb 14, 2016
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Similar situation NEW
by: Anonymous

I just want you to know that you're not alone. I cried reading your story because I have been dealing with very similar issues for about 5 years now, but much more frequently in the last 6-8 months. I don't know what to do.. he has offered to sleep on a sofa we have in our room, but that's not fixing the problem.. like what's going to stop him from just sleep walking over to the bed? I'm really here to seek advice, but also wanted to reassure you. It's not okay, and because your consent wasn't given, it's sexual assault, whether he knew he was doing it or not.

Jan 26, 2016
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huuh? NEW
by: Anonymous

Umm, how can someone rape another one while he's asleep??

Jun 29, 2015
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I did this to my partner
by: Anonymous

My partner said I did this to her last night, all I remember is going to bed we had sex then went to sleep and I woke up this morning and my partner had already left for work. When she came home she told me that I forced myself on her and she was horrified with me to which my response was it was her idea as it was before we went to sleep and she said no the second time, I told her there was know second time I just went to sleep. She then told me in detail of how I started taking her clothes off an hour after going to sleep how she had said no and how I continued unresponsive, she kicked me punched me as hard as she could and I never woke at any point. I haven't slept since and I haven't got a clue what to do my little girl had got into bed with me the night before after having a nightmare now I'm petrified she does it again incase this happens I've apologised profoundly to my partner, she accepts it wasn't me but she too is also afraid to go to sleep. I'm going to try ring the doctors but I don't know what to say I raped my girlfriend in my sleep doesn't seem plausible to me

May 08, 2015
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be safe
by: Anonymous

My boyfriend does something similar.. He sleep talks, and he talks as if we're having sex while he rubs my and humps me (sorry, gross lol). At first I was entertained. And then one night he kept going. I was yelling his name and trying to wake him up and finally he did. He just looked down, him in me, and asked what was going on. He's never held me down and forced me but I was shocked. Thank you for sharing. This is crazy

Mar 18, 2015
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my boyfriend is the same
by: Anonymous

I'm just trying to do some research as my boyfriend tries to have sex with me in his sleep p. (I thought I was alone but I'm happy to now there are others) its only Thursday and I have woken up three times this week and either he's made himself partially naked, or me. I work night shift so after being asleep for only 30 minutes I'm far to tired to wake up while he's doing it, whatever that is. I'm not complaining sure whether he has full sex with me or just touches me, but that's what worries me most.. The fact that I don't even know what he's doing.but yes I spend every morning telling him that he makes me feel violated and disgusting and like I am afraid of being raped ever u night i gp to bed. All i ever get is a "sorry" because he can't remember doing anything.

Jan 17, 2015
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He may not be Raping you
by: Anonymous

I believe your boy friend has something known as sexsomnia. Since you say he also has a history of sleeping walking, it is highly possible. check this link : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_sex.

I don't think he is raping you, i would suggest you talk to him and consult a psychiatrist.

Jun 10, 2014
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Hmmm
by: Anonymous

I was awoken to the feeling of sex and realized my now ex RAPED me in my sleep. He may be RAPING you. Don't be fooled!

Jan 26, 2013
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BE SAFE
by: Lynn

Hi:
I read about what happened to you. I think you have to put a hold on being with him at night while sleeping until he agrees to get help and then gets help. If he refuses or starts and doesn't follow through, how can you ever be safe? You deserve to be safe and he deserves to have a woman who loves and trusts him. How can you love and trust him if he is not taking steps for you to be safe. It may take you a while to get through this trauma too and you may need counselling. It may not have been his counscious intent to sexually assualt you, but that is how your emotions and body experienced it - it sounds like you experienced as an assualt that he intended to do. I don't know much about this condition, but I remember reading that there may be a medication that is helpful. Please don't handle this by yourself - go to a qualified professional.

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