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My Girlfriend's Complete Honesty While Sleep Talking

by Daniel K
(Toronto)

I had a full conversation with my girlfriend whilst she was sleeping. First, she was incoherent and was talking about skateboards, so I woke her up. She then went back to sleep, and we had a full conversation where I was asking her questions etc. about our relationship, her past relationships etc. where she was answering everything honestly, completely - I trust my girlfriend and she only confirmed things I already knew.

She told me to tell myself (in reality) a few things that she said that she couldn't tell me whilst awake. I asked her who she was talking to, and she said she was on a bench, talking to a man with a blindfold on. She said that she knew she was asleep, and that she hoped that I would wake her in the morning before I went to university, because she would miss me knowing she wouldn't see me until later that night. I stopped asking questions and after a minute, she said, why have you stopped talking to me? So I asked who has stopped talking, and she said, you, the man with the blindfold.

She also moved a lot - if it was something emotional, she would grip me and hug me tightly. When I tested her and told her that Daniel (me) was cheating on her (which I am not) she ripped away, and hit me and started crying, saying that she knew it wasn't true and that I was a bitch for lying to her.


I eventually woke her up, and she was annoyed, not knowing why. I explained it all to her and she freaked out.

Wow. I can't find any information on any of this. Help?


Kevin: What an incredibly interesting experience Daniel. I have heard many times before about conversations with a sleep talker (such as this humorous visitor submission), and even conversations involving both parties sleep talking to each other (such as this one), but rarely are they this personal. Most of the time they are filled with pretty nonsensical things.

I can't offer you much insight from what I know about what would have caused such open, honest, and intriguingly strange responses from your girlfriend. But what you say about her moving around and responding physically to what you say leads me to believe that there may be some element of sleepwalking to what she experienced. Counterintuitively, sleepwalking doesn't necessarily have to involve walking, but rather episodes can take place completely within the confines of the bed. And communicating with a sleepwalker during an episode and getting coherent responses also happens quite frequently.

If you (or anyone who's reading) has anymore thoughts on this, please feel free to share by using the "Post Comments" link below.

Warmly,
Kevin

Comments for
My Girlfriend's Complete Honesty While Sleep Talking

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Sep 21, 2010
 Nope.
by: Registered Sleep Technologist

Complete Honesty? Not at all.

Sleeping brains do not represent the waking person.

Nothing someone says whilst sleep talking can be considered "complete honesty" no matter how much it resembles what you want to believe.
There are extremely important parts of the brain that are inactive during different sleep stages. - like the part that assembles sensory input (hearing, touch, etc) into experiences, and the part that assembles thoughts in rational + coherent ways.

This is why dreams are so often nonsensical.
It extends not just to dreams, but also sleep talking. You simply do not know when enough of the brain is awake to trust what you see or hear.

You are fooling yourself if you believe anything said during sleep talking represents true beliefs, feelings or emotions of the speaker.
Hearing occasional things that make sense to you tempt one to believe in sleep talking revealing what isn't shown in wakefulness. Don't fall for it.


Sep 21, 2010
 Repeat Episode
by: Daniel Kinnoch

Literally less than half an hour ago, the same thing happened. I went into the bedroom to wake her up for dinner. I whispered to her softly, only for her to tell me to go away, whilst not showing any signs of being awake. I had a hunch that she was still asleep, so to try and establish that, I asked her a few grounding questions:

What are you doing?

I am at the casino with a friend, who has gone to the toilet.

Who are you talking to?

The Bartender

Sequence of events?

I have lost $80 on Blackjack, and I have to go home to my boyfriend soon and he won't be very happy.

She explained to me that she had a job, which she quit, because her boss was sleazy. She was having a job interview for another job at Essential Beauty (a local beauty store). I asked a few other questions; she has been dating her boyfriend (me) for fourteen months, we had finally got home to Australia from Canada, we were living together (which we plan on doing). She asked what my name was; I made a name up and said it was John. I asked her whether she wanted me to check on her friend in the toilet - she said no, because I'm male, and that she would - she made a move to get out of bed - but I said to her that I would let a female staff member check instead, so she stopped and lied back down.

Eventually, she started to get a bit confused and irritated as to who I was and why I was asking so many questions, so I woke her up.

Once she came to and opened her eyes, she couldn't remember anything - except that she had been out with a friend and had been talking to someone with an ugly name.

Now I know all this sounds like she's on drugs or medication or something, but I can assure you that there is nothing - not even alcohol involved. She does wake up hot and clammy, but that is about it.

Can you give me any advice as to any questions I should ask next time this happens? Any way to probe any deeper whilst she is sleeping? We're both curious to know whether this is common.
Sep 28, 2010
 Conversations with my sleeping best friend
by: Anonymous

Hi. Now while I can't offer any insight into what you are describing, I did want to let you all know of a similar instance that happened to me. My best friend was sleeping over at my house and she suffers from nightmares, during which she would normally claw at her own arm, make fists so tightly that she would rip skin off of her palms, shake uncontrollably and sometimes stop breathing altogether for a few minutes. This scares me beyond belief, however, one particular night, she didnt't do any of these things and instead we had a full conversation while she was asleep. She innitiated the conversation by telling me that she was sorry over and over again. It was only a few minutes later that I realised that she was still asleep. I asked why she was sorry and she said she was sorry for leaving. I didn't know what to do so I kept quite. She then proceeded to ask for Lara (me) and I asked her who Lara was and she said it was her best friend. When I told her that I was Lara, she wouldn't believe me so for the whole conversation I pretended to be someone else that Lara (I) had sent to protect her. She said that she was in a room and was being beaten by a man. Several times that night she asked if her back was bleeding. I held her all night and she told me things that I had never heard her say. She said she wanted to go home and then she clarified that she just wanted to be with me. She told me to tell Lara that she loved her (me) and that she would never leave. She then asked what Lara would do if she (my friend) was ever kidnapped. The conversation went on for at least 4 hours and I didn't sleep at all that night. Towards the end of it I managed to convince her who I was and she told me she loved me. When she woke up in the morning she remembered speaking to me and she remembered some of what was said but not all. The next time she slept over, the same thing happened. However, this time was slightly different because she immediately knew who I was and the conversation was a lot less serious, we even made jokes and laughed, however she still said she was in a room with that man who was beating her. When she woke up she could remember almost everything, especially the parts where I said I loved her and I would never let anyone hurt her. The first time it happened, she was afraid I would hate her because of something, a secret, that she told me. I am concerned for her safety because I know if there is no one to talk to her in her sleep, she will continue to have nightmares and hurt herself. Is there anyone out there who could offer some insight? Thanks. (By the way - we are both 15, if that makes her condition any different)
Mar 13, 2011
 My wife sleep talks as if she were a 3 year old
by: Daniel S

About four years ago my wife, 29 years old at the time, was sleep talking (or more appropriately a special case of sleep walking according to Kevin above) nearly every night over several weeks the same way your girlfriend did. In her case though her verbal "accent" and vocabulary, as well as her reasoning, behavior, and mannerisms, were consistently that of the same toddler (my guess: a three year old). For example, she usually referred to me as "nanny's friend" instead of "Danny's friend" and moved with that child-like gait. I figure she was acting like the healthy happy three year old that I'm sure she was back then. The conversations were every bit as coherent and brutally honest as the ones I have with our current three year old.
My wife never remembered any of it when she woke. I know what she said in this sleeping state represents what she feels and thinks in the waking stake because I always checked (much to her chagrin) later when she was awake. Luckily for her she has nothing to hide, not that she would, since we have a totally honest relationship anyway (except for the odd embarrassing thing that she would have rather kept to herself, LOL).
As a PhD chemist, I can assure you that these observations are as accurate as humanly possible. I don't understand how that Registered Sleep Technologist, in spite of what the textbook says, can accuse you of wishful thinking considering how complicated the human brain is and how little is known about it.
We've never worried about this sleep talking because it's been totally harmless. I would even say that it's improved our relationship as we adults can sometimes over-complicate things and cloud our judgment of our own feelings. The unfettered perspective of a three year old version of yourself can bring the kind of clarity on an emotionally difficult situation that gets you directly to the heart of the matter. Why not use the opportunity you have to make your relationship better? There were times where I revealed a more accurate perspective on my wife's feelings regarding certain issues than she spontaneously had herself by using info gathered during conversations with her sleeping self.
Good luck!
Aug 03, 2011
 Honesty During Sleep Talking
by: Kevin

Fascinating comments Daniel S. I'm glad sleep talking communication has proved a healthy thing for your relationship with your wife. And thanks for the insight Sleep Technologist. While there's no reason to *guarantee* that honesty is what is given during any given sleep talking episode, there is also no reason to deem it impossible that a sleep talker does honestly mention events or thoughts that are real in his or her life or mind. As Daniel points out, the dreaming mind is too complex to suggest an absolute on either end of the spectrum.
Aug 27, 2011
 My boyfriend can uphold coherent conversations in his sleep...
by: Giada Thatiz

I have a similar situation to yours, except he knows its me and he knows where he is. I'd like to believe that the sleeping brain does not represent the waking person, however I think that is false.

For the second time ever, my boyfriend and I had an over 30 minute conversation while he was asleep. However this time ended pretty ugly. I started off by trying my hardest to wake him up, yelling "James, James wake up its 8:30 you have to go you're going to be late" and shaking him but nothing, he wouldn't wake up but he was talking to me. It was kind of eerie and just the slightest bit disturbing. He kept making jokes and being completely uncensored so I began asking him simple questions
"James where are you?"
"We're in your bed."
"Who am I?"
"You are Giada my girlfriend."

Then I began prying deeper and he got defensive and things got ugly. He told me he thought I was a horrible person and he feels that no matter what he does its never good enough for me and that I ask too much of him blah blah blah... So I stopped talking and then after about 10 minutes of silence he sat up took his shirt off woke up for real and didn't remember a thing.

I keep researching this on the internet, but all I can find is sleep talkers who don't make any sense and that is definitely not the case.
Sep 14, 2011
 Boyfriend: talks and walks in sleep
by: disrupted

My boyfriend has had many episodes of somniloquy/somnambulism which I have to admit are starting to really bother me. It is not the lack of sleep, it is in some cases the content, and in one case the outcome.
First of all, when my bf speaks in his sleep it is almost always very sexual, sometimes to the point of violent. I will not go into details but it can be quite disturbing.
The worst thing that has happened, is a friend of mine came over and stayed in the spare bedroom and said the next day that she woke up with my bf fondling her, he has no recollection of the event, but everything is really starting to weigh down on me. He is a sexual person, but not violent, and I am at my wit's end...
Would love to know if anyone else has experienced anything like this?
Nov 23, 2011
 my wife NEW
by: Anonymous

My wife talks in her sleep when she is stressed (eg., after our fights). Almost always, the conversation is with her parents discussing how the marriage is not working out and how our kids will ne torn apart.
Whenever I say something to her during such epiosdes, she almost always replies as if her dad said it or our son and replies accordingly.
I know whatever she says is true and frank and I have many a timea apologized to her after realizing how my actions hurt her on an emotional level. She doesn't remember it but it is the most honest conversation we could ever have.
Once when she was extremely stressed, she started talking to me as if I was her father, even though she was fully awake, if fact we were outside in public. That sure was scary.
Dec 07, 2011
 Dreaming or not? NEW
by: Abigail

I live-in in a hotel with my boyfriend. We have our own rooms

Last night he stayed over in my room. Because I like my room warm I had the heating on. At a point he couldnt sleep and it was to warm so he decided to go up to his own room. He 'woke me up' to tell me. I responded. Then he asked me if I was OK. I didnt responded. He 'woke me up' again and I respond. And then he left.

We both know I talk when asleep and I give answer to the questions etc. The weird thing this time was: I normally dont remember anything of what I have said. This time I remember waking up in the middle of the night being kind of scared and shocked. I cant remember my boyfriend was in the room or that I spoke to him. Afther waking up I felt asleep 30 sec later.
But he saw me waking up kind of shocked, thats why he asked if I was ok. And I cant remember anything that he was there. I dont know if I was awake or dreaming or 'sleepwalking'

I think it's just weird and scared. Anyone any explainations?
Apr 23, 2012
 Sleep talking and memories NEW
by: Ian

I'll be quick though this is a long story.

I had a relationship with a wonderful woman who is now dead (cancer).

She used to fall asleep and re-live a traumatic event in her past. As I began to learn about her I used to soothe her through it (essentially this meant that she didn't wakr up screaming, upset etc). As a result she used to have a very disturbed sleep.

Once I began to soother her through the traumatic memory one of two things would happen.

She would sleep talk and also 'sleepwalk'. We would hold very coherent conversations and actions (with permission from her waking self). I used to call this person sleepy (name). She was herself but without her waking inhibitions, things that bothered her about herslef when she was awake were not a concern when she was asleep. She was mischevious, sexual and just plain pure. It was really amazing and quite special, especially because she'd had trauma in the past and current ill health. I won't go into detail, but never was this self that I encountered anything else other than a less inhibited, scared or sad version of her waking self.

The other thing that would happen was we would re live memories from her past, I 'met' her when she was 8, 14, 25, 30 and various other ages. She would be re living a memory, I would become a stranger in this memory, but she would share some aspects of it with me. I was then able to tell her about the memories when she was awake and even remind her of aspects of them she had forgotten.

Because of her ill health and other things that happened, I'm sure this was her brains way of coping.

Rahter than see it as a problem we dabbled with the whole thing, which most of the time was an exprience I will never forget and I got to know an aspect of a person I will never see again. The pure sleeping self cannot be replicated by a waking person.

This was not gibberish, at first I thought she was putting it on, she was that coherent. But as time went on I realised it was very true and happening.

The closest thing I can use as an example would be hypnosis, it seemed to be a similar state.

It sounds like some previous comments have had a taste of this.

I feel blessed to have experiecned this with another person and really quite honoured.

Especially as the relationship was so time limited.

I'm a sleep talker too, but nothing to that extent.

If you are experiencing this, go with it, you may well journey with a perosn on a whole new and differnet level.

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