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“Stutz Outruns the Russian Mafia” (S&D)

by Andrew Stutz
(Stanford, CA, USA)

On the evening of 1/12/11 I had the following nightmare: The Stanford Football Team was staying at the fanciest resort in Arizona, which happened to be located in a shopping center? After a long day of practice I decided to go out for a walk around the shopping center. BAM!!!! BAM!!!! A truck suddenly smacked me! I immediately found myself in a giant puddle of blood and I began to see blue flashing lights. I got rushed to the ER, which happened to be in our hotel? I was put into a mental-institution lock up center where over 20 doctors worked on me in extensive care. The whole front of my body needed re-constructive surgery….after weeks of therapy I could walk again. However, I still needed facial surgery, which would require the expertise of the highest paid doctor in the land. This doctor needed special MRI/XRAY type photos of my face…These photos were very expensive and could only be taken by a special machine, a machine so special that the Russian Mafia had hired over 100 engineers and scientists to re-construct and copy it’s scientific structure and power (a task that was considered to be nearly impossible). Later that day, the doctors at our hotel asked me to pick up these photos by myself at KINKOS, which happened to be located on the other side of the shopping center. On my way to KINKOS, I had a feeling that people were following me in pimped out black SUV’s with spinning rims….I immediately took of running and noticed that these suburban’s were filled with Russian Mob gangsters and frustrated engineers that had failed to copy the powers of this special machine. Jumping over cars and sprinting through the parking lot I scared pedestrians left and right with my destroyed facial appearance! I finally made it to KINKOS where I jumped over the counter and stole my confidential file. But the RUSSIAN GANGSTERS WERE STILL OUT THERE??? It was go time...VOOM I booked it! I threw shopping carts in front of their cars and snuck into an exclusive dining event for the grand opening of “Super Olive Garden.” Lasagna, tortellini, meat balls, and of course the whole Stanford Football Team awaited my arrival….and I ATE and ATE and ATE….then my alarm went off…haha

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