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Why Does My Boyfriend Occasionally Hit Me In His Sleep

by Erica Warren
(PA)

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 1/2 yrs. Out of those few years he has striked me occasionally usually at night after we have a dispute. He's punched me in my temple, my shoulder blades, my kidneys all of which awake me from my sleep. All causing inscrutable pain.


I become very mad and upset, I question him and he says he was obviously doing it in his sleep. Why would he hit me on purpose. He appears to be awake pretending to be asleep after I awake... He says I'm the only person who he's done it to.

I've never been awakened by him, not from sleep talking, or even moving around other than these times he's hit me, I need to clarify what is causing this.

Could it be a sleep disorders or could it be abuse. I won't sleep in bed with him due to the fact he doesn't understand it as a problem, and I'm not sure what causes it.. Please help me figure out what the potential possibility are.. Thank you, Erica Warren

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Oct 22, 2014
Possible REM Behavior Disorder
by: Kevin

Hi Erica, thanks for sharing your story. There is a sleep disorder called REM Behavior Disorder (RBD) that is often the culprit in instances where someone hits a bed partner in their sleep. RBD causes the sleeper to occasionally act out part of their dreams. Frequently, the sleeper does not have any recollection of the assault, but may remember they were doing something in a dream when it happened, like fighting off an intruder. You can read more about it at the link below, and see other visitor-submitted stories similar to yours at the bottom of that page:

http://www.end-your-sleep-deprivation.com/rem-sleep-behavior-disorder.html

Jun 20, 2017
Same NEW
by: Mamabear91

You are not all alone in this. I experience the same and I am perplexed, frustrated, angry and once again wide awake while he snores away. Here I am awake while he sleeps after being woken up by the lightest punch so far. Yes, it tends to happen during a night after a disagreement, it often hurts and it's very startling to be awoken by a punch to the head from your mate. If you stumble upon this, and this has happened to you please comment. At this point, I no longer believe it's accidental. My prior Husband of 20 plus years never hit me in all those years and this marriage has been not quite yet 3 years long

Jul 04, 2017
Possible REM Sleep Disorder NEW
by: Anonymous

Hi I've been seeing a guy for 8 weeks. He stays over twice a week..last night we went to bed no arguments had a lovely evening together. I woke about 130am to being punched in the face twice on my right cheek..he lept out of bed, was so remorseful and felt physically sick that he'd hit me, he said he was in a nightmare and saw an animal in the bed. I was in shock and very sore..I've never experienced this before. I asked him to leave cos I was worried it could happen again. I'm thinking I'll have to end it with him now which is sad but can't live with the fear of not knowing what might happen in the future if he stays over. He did say he's never done it before. I'm also wondering if his drinking habit of 5beers a night during the week and more on the weekends, like 13 beers is something that can bring this on...but he is only 27yrs old when I've read it's normally older men. Thoughts anyone? ? Thanks.

Jan 15, 2018
Not alone NEW
by: Betty

In bed, my husband punched me in the mouth by accident first thing this morning and showed more anger at me than remorse. His eyes were open and it frightened me. It has happened multiple times "in his sleep" and this time l was outraged, still am. I had to ice my lip. It was helpful to read that it is common after a fight. He was having nightmares too. Commonground.org has help, even just to talk. We are NOT alone

Feb 08, 2018
Same thing NEW
by: Anonymous

Just chiming in you are not alone. My boyfriend slugged me three times in the cheek and later grabbed me by the back of the neck allegedly while sleeping and having a dream. He claims he's never done this before and he's nearly 60. I was advised to break things off. I have not seen him since this happened and I'm unwilling to take another chance especially as I'm in my 50s.

Feb 09, 2018
Hit in sleep NEW
by: Anonymous

I'm experiencing similar situations I've been punched slapped grapped all by my boyfriend when he's sleeping I'm starting to great going to bed... when nit happens he wakes up & is remorseful I'm at a loss don't know what to do or how to get him help

Feb 09, 2018
Hit in sleep NEW
by: Anonymous

I'm experiencing similar situations I've been punched slapped grapped all by my boyfriend when he's sleeping I'm starting to dread going to bed... when nit happens he wakes up & is remorseful I'm at a loss don't know what to do or how to get him help

Feb 24, 2018
A make or break situation in an early relationship NEW
by: Anonymous

It's happening to me just within a 4 month relationship only, I'm lost and confused. i was punched (fist's were clenched) on the side of my face now this has been the third time, the other time he's punched the back of my neck, lower back and kicked me pretty hard. He is a loving person, but at night time when he falls into a deep sleep, i get nervous,i even have to bend his arm away and fold and roll him away..!incase he strikes me unconsciously I told him this morning, and he says "no, no no it's not possible you are lying" and that frustrates me. I wonder is it an undetected emotional problems he has? He is a Virgo,35y/o and is incredibly stubborn and always right.

Apr 02, 2018
Abuse NEW
by: Anonymous

I had this, didn't have to be an argument beforehand, I take a long time to drift off, during the night I was punched around the face area usually, I was suspicious so decided to keep still and quiet before I was tired. One night as his fist came towards my face I grabbed his arm and he was surprised, he was in full control of his movement,next time he stuck his elbow into my back drawing it downward in a line,hard, I stayed still and he repeated this three times until I moved. I became aware that he always aimed for my head, he didn't lash out at thin air when he was faced away from me. I was sure h
E was doing this purposely so one night I did it back, he never mentioned this but didn't do it for a long time, also when he was showing signs of doing I told him that if he hit me again I would punch him in the throat, he would turn over and leave me be. Some of these people may have sleep issues but in my opinion most of them have serious personality disorders.

Apr 24, 2018
I lightly hit my boyfriend NEW
by: Sleep attacker

My boyfriend says that I twitch during the night in a way that I suddendly hit him. I used to sleep walk and have been known to sit up and talk. I'm not quite sure what to do. It sucks because he says he already has sleeping problems. Right now, it is making me giggle. I don't want to affect him like this, though.

Apr 24, 2018
Same here NEW
by: Anonymous

My spouse is an alcoholic and verbally abusive. He will say horrible things to me all through the night, like he wakes up and says them and goes back to snoring. I have a bad low back and bursitis in my hip. Always, that is where he hits me. He used to hit me, kick me, grab me by the neck, shove me, etc., until his psychiatrist questioned him about it. Now he does it after we have an argument that day. I truly feel it's all intentional.

Apr 26, 2018
I hit my husband at night sometimes. NEW
by: Gay hitter.

I'm a man and I'm hitting my husband at night.
I wouldn't know if he didn't tell me, angrily, the next morning.
It seems to happen about once a year, after we've had a disagreement.
It happened last night. I really messed up his back this time.
I only remember one dream, of smoking my first cigarette in a year.
I'm mortified at the idea that I hit him. Even through the last two days of arguments, heated discussions, the thought of hitting him never occurred to me.
In fact, I fell asleep sad that we were not spooning as usual, frustrated to sleep on my edge of the bed, with the secret plan that I would wait until he would fall asleep and then spoon him.
But I did fall asleep frustrated instead.
Now, I'm conflicted. I don't know how to address this problem, don't know how and if I can tell my sleepy self not to hit my husband in my sleep.

If it happens once a year, I already is a problem. But I read that some struggle with it several times a week?
I tend to avoid confrontation in life, I'm not good at talking things out without being overwhelmed. I cry at every movie, even songs and some commercials. I'm gay and I barely drink alcohol. There's no other red flag of me being an abusive man.
So either I bottle things up and lash out in my sleep,
Or it's an early sign if some neurological disorder. And I'm just 36.

May 10, 2018
A right hook during the night... NEW
by: Anonymous

my partner of 6 years punched me really hard - a right hook - in the face during the night whilst he was 'asleep'. This is the first time this has happened. No argument. No disagreements the day before. We have a fun and happy relationship. I immediately woke up, a bit stunned and in disbelief that he had hit me. He said he had dreamt an intruder was coming towards him. I pointed out that i was lying beside him -to his left - and not infant of him. His right arm came across his own body and down onto my left cheek....... In the morning i asked him to take me through it again. I decided that i would joke about it, but talked about it a lot the following days. Im watchful of him. he has never hurt me before although there was a time when i came up the stairs - he was standing right at the top on the last step and wanted to give me a hug...... right there..... i backed off and went back down the stairs. I don't know if i am paranoid but i am being very watchful of him. is is trying to hurt, mame, kill me and make it look like an accident?? whose to know until it happens? who can i talk to? who should i tell?? its a tricky one because nothing as happened.... yet.... apart from the right hook during the night.

May 10, 2018
Commenter above NEW
by: Anonymous

Let your suspicion be your guide. Use your intuition and trust it. I had covert abuse for years and didn’t recognise it because it was slow and insidious. I was hit whe he was "sleeping " only after I got out did I finally realise what he was.

May 19, 2018
Husband punches and scratches me NEW
by: Anonymous

My husband of many years has now started pinching me more and leaving bruises. This is the first time he has scratched me. It bled. He never does this when we take a nap.
He has punched me in the head and back. He also has kicked me. He claims he was asleep. I am unsure what to do.

May 28, 2018
Snore NEW
by: Anonymous

Apparently I snore. My bf would tap me in my alley, but I woke up to a hit at the base of my neck..I seen stars..I checked the back ok f my neck and it was red. I never confr6him..but I'm thinking get out of this relationship

Jun 14, 2018
I’m hitting my boyfriend in my sleep NEW
by: Anonymous

I searched to see if any women have experienced this because just recently, my boyfriend had told me i occasionally slap him in the face while sleeping. I’ve never known myself to do this or remember it. I honestly just wanted to see if this was abnormal. I haven’t seen a lot of women posting about it though.

Jun 19, 2018
My brother hits me when he's asleep? NEW
by: Anonymous

Me and my brother share a room together, as of now he's hit me twice in his sleep, when he wakes up and I tell him about it, he says he simply moved.

The first time was when he was hogging space on the bed so I asked him to move, Then, He elbows me in the nose and I start to bleed.

The second time was just now, I was browsing my social media then all of a sudden, He hits the top left of my head with his fist.

I'm not really sure why he does this, but we do fight alot and things do often tend to get violent, I'm sure that has to be one of the reasons why he keeps doing this, All I wanna know is how to get him to stop because this is just getting annoying.

Jul 04, 2018
Wife hits me while I sleep NEW
by: Anonymous

She has done this about 4 times for definate that I know of. She has a bad temper at the best of times. My snoring infuriates her and rather than wake me will knee me hard in the base of the spine. The first time she did it I could not walk for about 2 weeks and was badly bruised, the second time was a year or so later. The latest was about a month ago and I could not lay on my back, move very well and it took about 10 minutes to get out of bed as the pain was incredible. Huge black bruise on my back. Just as I'm recovered the same happens and now I'm bruised again and can barely walk. All she says is it's my fault for snoring. It's only a matter of time before I end up in a wheelchair.

Jul 04, 2018
Poster above NEW
by: Anonymous

Kneeing you in the base of your spine??! That person thinks nothing of you or your well being. Sounds like a demented idiot as well because abusing you clearly isn’t stopping you snoring. Take your backbone or what you have left of it and get the hell out of that so called relationship as soon as possible. Your sleeping with a nutter. Good wishes coming your way.

Jul 24, 2018
It personality disorder NEW
by: Anonymous

My fiance hit me pretty hand making mybhead jerk causing me to wake up I asked immediately why did you do that cause he was wide awake and quietly said I didn't try to but never said sorry so I'm thinking like wow I wonder if he do this alot but he seemed kind of shocked when when he realized I caught him like why tho

Aug 23, 2018
hitting in sleep NEW
by: Anonymous

So i stayed home sick from work yesterday and spent the day with my partner and our kids since they both return to school this week. Helped with dinner and bedtime and we both went out after t hang out with each other. I had one drink while he had about 5 double shots. We came home and he obviously was a bit on the drunk side. Everything was fine til he decided to nag me for sex and i turned him down because of his inebriated state. So he then send me messages talking about his theres other women out there who will help him out in bed since i wont and i replied back with how i wont be intimate with him in his drunk state because id rather him be awake and in tune to whats going on and told him its not ok for him to send me stupid things telling me he will find someone else if i wont.
Well about 4am i got elbowed in the middle of my back. Thought nothing of it cuz he was asleep so i attempted to go back to bed with his arm laying on me, but then he laid about 3 more blows to my back and when i screamed at him about hitting me he sighed a sigh of relief and rolled over removing his arm from my body curling up and taking the blanket with him (but i always keep an extra blanket on my side of the bed cuz hes a hog when it comes to the covers). Im almost certain he was not asleep. especially with the sigh of relief

Aug 23, 2018
Abuse NEW
by: Anonymous

If you been with him seriously for about 6 months it’s probably my ex 😂

Sep 04, 2018
I believe it has to do with suppressed feelings of frustration and pain. something so profound that it's pushed into the deepest recesses of the mind. One must learn to carefully chip away at those NEW
by: Scar

I believe it has to do with suppressed feelings of frustration and pain. something so profound and many people pushed it into the deepest recesses of their minds in order to not cope with or deal with the ceiling it has to come out somehow the best thing to do is be patient and gently guide them to opening up

Oct 08, 2018
Same situation NEW
by: Anonymous

I've recently been going through this last night he elbowed me so hard in my sleep it woke me up I was crying saying ouch he apologized saying I'm sorry kissing me. He doesn't remember anything or ever doing it. He's hit me a few times in the middle of the night wacking me with his arms.

Oct 08, 2018
Found this thread NEW
by: Anonymous

Today my husband informed me I shouted at him to listen, it woke him and I slapped him. He said he asked if I was ok and I was fast asleep.
I have been with him for 30 yrs and he said sometimes I talk in my sleep.
I did have a dream that I was trying to get someone to listen to my sister [who is non verbal]
I saw my sister yesterday for the first time since Easter and I made her a communication board which she was able to use. We had a lovely time together but I worry about her everyday. So I had excitement and anxiety through out the day and I was exhausted last night so I wonder if this caused it.
Anyway I feel so awful it happened and hope it never happens again. My husband said I didn't hurt him just shocked him.

Oct 15, 2018
Boyfriend hit me in his sleep NEW
by: Anonymous

This happened to me just now, and he's sound asleep after hitting me hard on the back of my head. I woke up crying,he said he felt bad, but got mad at me for crying and told me to stop because it was makeing him feel more bad. We got into an argument earlier in the night, now I'm woken up by him hitting me in his sleep. I need to know if this is abuse or just an accident if anyone would know?

Oct 15, 2018
Sleeping disorder NEW
by: Brooke

Just wanted to say that I have done this to my boyfriend about 10 times in our 6 year relationship. It's usually when I'm having a bad dream where I'm fighting someone and next thing I know I end up slapping him in his face. The worst was biting his back and he woke me up with his yell. It's very embarrassing but I felt the need to comment because I see alot of women are scared that it may be intentional from their husband but I feel that it is a very real disorder and it doesn't take arguing for it to happen at night. I have been in a perfectly good mood and still had an episode that night. I feel terrible afterward and wish there was a way to guarantee i won't do it again!

Oct 27, 2018
hit while sleeping NEW
by: Mr Fox

I have been with my partner for 27 years and during that time she has hit me whilst sleeping more times than I can remember, she has no recollection of it in the morning but most times I wake up in the morning in pain from the areas where she has struck me, I have actually stayed awake many times to watch how it happens and its always the same she raises her right and left arms, one to stroke the other and then brings one of her arms down to hitting me in the process, it normally hits me in the back or shoulders but occasionally in the neck or face depending on which way I am facing, over the years it has damaged my neck and back because of the constant hits. Wish i could do something but I love her so leaving or sleeping alone is not really an option that I can take. She has started putting a pillow between us at night to try and protect my back as I already have back pain from a fall down some stairs which resulted in a microdiscectomy and permenant nerve damage, my employer at the time had no insurance so could not get a financial settlement as uk law states that you must bring it to the courts attention before a certain time period, which i was unwilling to do as my family asked me not to because we were friendly with the guy. So here I am spine already compromised with debilitating pain being struck on a nightly basis by my partner, My sympathy goes out to all those who suffer with the same problems but it is what it is, they dont know they are doing it so cannot be held responsible for actions they are unaware of. If your in the dame boat as me my heart goes out to you but the only advice i can give is to create a barrier with pillows or something similar to absorb the blows while you are sleeping.

Nov 14, 2018
Sleep kicking NEW
by: Anonymous

Hello. I can sympathize with all of you. I’ve been through 2 abusive relationships & just started dating a new guy a few months ago. He kicks me & elbows me almost every night & I am beginning to think he is doing it on purpose. I usually go to bed before he does & typically wake up when he comes to bed. He wears a sleep mask to bed. After he gets into bed I noticed that he will feel around with his leg until he touches mine & then the kicking starts. Recently he has been elbowing me on the face. It’s weird because I looked over & saw his face mask on the top of his head like he was looking to where he was going to elbow me. He claims he is sleeping & does not know that he’s doing it but has been told by his last gf that he would kick. I’ve done research on RBD & if someone has that the kicking or elbowing happens during a later phase of sleep....not a few minutes after getting into bed. Last night he woke me up by throwing something at my back, laid down in bed & tossed & turned a bit. A few minutes later I felt his leg moving toward me, I moved mine back & when he touched my leg, he started kicking I kicked back & he screamed ow & said wtf & then angrily gathered his pillows & went into the living room. I don’t know what to do. He gets mad when I don’t sleep in bed & claims he doesn’t do it on purpose but I find it hard to believe. Anyone have any evidence that their significant other is doing this on purpose? Or ideas on how to stop it?

Nov 29, 2018
abuse or sleeping? NEW
by:

my husband likes hitting me with his elbow on the breast or on the forehead when he is asleep.i believe he pretends to be asleep.so today il hit him on the face and pretend to be asleep and see how he will react

Dec 11, 2018
Why NEW
by: Anonymous

I noticed only women are chiming in. My boyfriend same thing. He woke me from my sleep 2 nights ago and pushed me, saying that I was breathing (BREATHING) too load. Then he took my arm, which was above my head and slapped me in my own face. Disorder, I say, the end.

Dec 14, 2018
Sleep Sabatage NEW
by: Anonymous

My boyfriend of 5 years has been sabataging my sleep for about 4 months. I moved in 6 months ago and would wake me nightly when going to restroom in middle of the night, said it was a loving gesture to "touch me and feel close". Right....that stopped for a few weeks then one night was square on punched with a closed fist in the side of my temple. I screamed and his immediately said he was sorry, had been having a bad dream and reacted in his sleep. A few weeks go by and I wake up as he goes to restroom in the middle of the night. I lay there and as he gets in bed, open hand hits me hard in the stomach. When I jump up and ask why, he turns on my and accuses me of making up something and starting some SH&%. The next afternoon as I bring it up, he lies and says that I am imagining what happened. That I was snoring and he nudged me in my side to stop snoring. A lie. He has since woken my up 2 more times in the middle of the night, an elbow in the face, all the while telling me I am dreaming and its not happening. I am smart enough to realize this is covert abuse and a grooming technique for an abuser to see how much he can push boundaries and get away with. Add this to the verbal and alcohol abuse and no-this is not innocent I did this in my sleep actions. Ladies, this isn't always to be excused as a sleep disorder. Trust your gut

Dec 27, 2018
Yet another woman with a partner doing this coming in!
by: Clare

My partner does this to me too! We've even spoken about it countless times and he promises to go to a doctor but he never does. He often pushes his way until I'm on the edge of the bed and elbows and punches me.

He is actually really passive aggressive and I'm starting to think he's doing it on purpose too.

Dec 29, 2018
We had the perfect night
by: Anonymous

We had lunch outside, we just watched aquaman, and drink into his place after, had sex and while we where sleeping he just slapped me. We we're drunk,it won't wake me up if it's not that hard but it did. What the fuck is that? I'm just dating him for just a month.

Jan 13, 2019
RBD
by: Anonymous

I’m female and 24 yrs old. I’ve been acting out my dreams which have resulted in hurting my spouse in bed during the night. Including clenched fist punches.

It’s not a pleasant thing to experience and it’s heartbreaking knowing you’ve done it to your partner. Luckily he’s a big strong bloke and is extremely understanding and supportive.

Unfortunately some of the comments I’ve read show that a lot of you have broken it off with your partners without even offering them support. Doctors can help and there are medications that can keep it under control.

So no, your partners are not abusive, are definitely not doing it intentionally and of course sometimes will have no recollection of it.

If it was the other way around I’d be supporting my partner 100%.

Jan 13, 2019
I don’t know what to do NEW
by: Anonymous

This happened to me last night. It’s not the first time but it was by far the worst. My boyfriend and I had an incredible night, we did have drinks, we had sex, went to sleep. At 4am I woke to excruciating pain of him biting my arm harder that I’ve ever explain. I cried out in pain and he started pulling my hair extremely rough to get me back down and he bit me again an inch higher just as hard then grabbed my neck until I jumped up screaming. He rolled over and just acted like he was right back asleep. I was so besides myself I turned the lights on and ripped the blankets off him saying what the hell us wring with you and showed him the terrible marks he left and he looked at me and said there is nothing there shut the lights off and shut your F’ing mouth and get back in bed. When I didn’t he threw me back down in the bed and started choking me and slapped me in the face multiple times. He was using terrible profanity and he scared me terribly. He got off me and I quickly grabbed my things and left. I haven’t heard from him today and I’d think if he truly didn’t remember he would have been calling all morning wondering where I was. I also think it was deliberate.

Jan 19, 2019
I don't believe it's an accident
by: Anonymous

I was also punched twice while asleep. I don't feel comfortable falling asleep around my boyfriend anymore. It actually scares the daylights out of me. However he is also very mentally abusive during the day. I can never know when he will be in a good mood or bad mood. He accuses me of things and hiding things that he has his himself. When I find something he has his he goes into rage mode and I have to hide in a different room. He then apologises at some point as he complement's on what a great person I am. Yet I have woke up in the morning with in explainable sever buises from head to toe, black eyes, etc... The excuse that he was sleeping and doesn't remember is a lie. And if there actually was a sleeping disorder then they would seek a doctor for help.

Jan 20, 2019
listen to their lame excuses? NEW
by: Anonymous

Again tonight I fell asleep before my boyfriend and woke up around 11pm. I didn't know he had even came to bed until he rolled over the second I woke up and started calling me every name in the book. Within a half hour he started appologing for the way he treats me saying I don't deserve it and he has a problem, and he is really sorry. The fact is that I think he gets off on hurting me when I am sleeping. Don't let the person you are with think they can always win you over by an apology. They will only keep doing this to you. I am moving out this week because of this abuse.

Jan 22, 2019
Safety
by: Anonymous

So everything adds up. I live in a condo with my boyfriend. Yesterday the front office had me call the police because Jeff locked me out twice. He told them to go away and leave him alone. There is something really wrong with him.

Feb 09, 2019
Do I need help?
by: Anonymous

I've started to do this to my bf... Does anyone have advice? As far as I know I'm attacking in my sleep but I wake up to him very upset and in pain :( I'm scared I'm doing damage. Do I need to seek help?? Many thanks in advance

Mar 11, 2019
Antidote NEW
by: Anonymous

HIT back and they will stop doing it. Give them a taste of their own medicine. My boyfriend did this once and I hit him back and he never did it again.
Good luck ladies.

Apr 01, 2019
egyptian NEW
by: kiwi

I doubt sincerely that my husband who has ocd and takes medicine for it is really asleep also , he sleeps all day and night I am fed up with it. after an argument, the sleep hitting in the head and kicking happens. I feel like he is faking talking in his sleep. For a long time,today my gut instict said it was deliberate i was sitting in a chair next to bed and 1 hour before it happened i got a feeling he was going to kick me, so i moved further away from bed. we talked he was awake then supposedly fell asleep again After few minutes I relaxed and forgot about it letting my guard down and didn't look at him he kicked I yelled he opened eyes and smirked. I have confronted him he claims how can i make him responsible for doing something in his sleep. That I am the crazy one for thinking such a thing. go figure.

Apr 07, 2019
I hit my boyfriend in my sleep NEW
by: Anonymous

I’m a girl and I do this when Im dreaming. I’ve done it to my past boyfriend and my present. I know it always happens when I’m having a nightmare about them cheating on me and lying to me which happens frequently. I get so angry and hurt in the the dream that I act out while I’m asleep. I only realize I’ve actually hit them or kicked them in real life when I scream so loud i wake myself up or with the impact of me hitting or kicking them jerks my body awake. I’m not doing it on purpose.

Apr 09, 2019
Cowards Abuse NEW
by: Anonymous

I have been awoken several nights from a fist to my face or an elbow to my temple. At first I believed the whole dream BS. When I started to pay more attention to the events prier is when I started realizing he has been intentionally hitting me all along. I've woken up some mornings feeling like my head has been smashed my jaw sore and my teeth feel out of place thus leaving me with a debilitating migraine. I find unexplainable bruises all over my body quite a bit. Everytime he has hit me he says he had a bad dream. He is able to explain each dream in great detail they are usually him fighting someone or him falling and reaching (punching) for me to save him.

I only came across these comments cause I'm worried. I have been struck countless times in the temple by him that seems to be his target. Can he have been causing more damage then just the surface like brain damage? We decided to take a break he has moved out but still pushes to spend the night. So I let him and the other night I ended up getting elbowed in the temple two times woke up with a half swollen face. What other damage has he caused if any? I'm trying to end this as safe as I can with him. One last thing my prior relationship was over 10yrs and never did I get hit.

Apr 09, 2019
An Elbow in the Morning NEW
by: Anonymous

My exboyfriend used to kick me at night.Even though he always wanted me close to him to cuddle, he was so rough in his sleep, took away the blankets, kicked me. But it was all in his sleep -so how could I blame him for it? But the kicks at night were only occasionly.

In the morning, when he was waking up, i would get elbowed in the face. routinely. Additionally, he would somehow manage to yank /or lie on my hair. Every. Single. Morning.
When I said: stop!! you are hurting me! Or asked why he'd elbow me every morning, he got annoyed, not apologetic.
I thought about it. Maybe none of it was on purpose. maybe I was to sensitive.
BUt how is that possible?
I realized: in all my previous relationships, my partners managed to NOT elbow or hurt me in anyway when sleeping together, and we would also roll around the bed, cuddle, etc.
SO even IF all of the elbows were accidental - a normal partner would be embarassed and make sure to be more careful, to avoid hurting me.

One other thing opened my eyes: The book "the verbally absuvie relationship "by patricia evans. In it, she mentioned that sometimes physical abuse starts with repeating" accidental" injuries. And referred to the story of a man who started to keep stepping on his wifes toes. again and again.

Unfortunately, there are not so many sources on how physical abuse begins with repeating "accidents".


Apr 12, 2019
my bf hits me in my sleep too NEW
by: Anonymous

This has happened to me too. It hurts like hell being awakened from a dead sleep by being punched in the stomach. Sometimes my bf hits my head too, but usually it's my stomach.

Apr 18, 2019
Rem sleep disorder is painful
by: Anonymous

My husband of 3 weeks, with whom I have lived for 2 years, punched me tonight in his sleep. He has multiple parasomnias - sleep apnea, sleep walking, etc - and I was awake at the time so I know for a fact it was not intentional (at least, not toward me). He has pneumonia right now, and thank goodness, or it may have hurt more. This is the first time he has ever punched me, but I knew it was possible because of his other sleep issues and he had warned me early on he had punched his ex. It was very scary, and I don't think I handled it well. I yelled at the first punch, and yelled and hit back at the second, trying to wake him before more punches were thrown.

I think part of why it happened is that a)he is more exhausted than usual and b)recently started using a CPAP. Just before it happened I was thinking that he looked like he was sleeping much deeper than (his) "normal".

Is there a "right" way to handle this? He is such a good man when awake, but I dont think I can handle being punched. As a survivor of abuse, I find it terrifying and triggering. I'd like to learn and practice a better way of dealing with it before it happens again.

May 19, 2019
Hmm NEW
by: Justme

I have apparently been elbowing and hitting my spouse in my sleep. We havent even had arguments. I would say its a huge red flag if they dont believe you or think you are making it up. I believe her and I also know my grandfather use to hit my grandmother in her sleep so much that they ended up having to sleep in different beds. I recently remembered that so I am going to have to ask more about that. My grandfather also recently passed of ALS so I hope thats not an early warning sign.

TLDR: hitting in during sleep is definitely a thing but shouldnt you shoudlnt be called a liar by the person unknowingly doing it.

May 25, 2019
How I Ended It NEW
by: Anonymous

I am a very light sleeper who also got tired of the constant snoring and being elbowed, hit, and kneed in my sleep by my husband. He also used to sleepwalk, talk in his sleep, or just sit bolt upright in bed and accuse me of s*** while he was dreaming. So freaking weird. After suffering 3 years of insomnia and mounting aggravation, I finally headed to the couch...and stayed there for 7 years. No, it wasn't romantic. No, he wasn't at all happy, but we're still married, and I managed to get some sleep along the way without bruises or paranoia. Last year we splurged and purchased a king sized bed, two sizes larger than our previous bed. Now we have enough room that I can share the bed with plenty of space between us. A lot of the weird movements and hitting sounds like an REM sleep disorder.

May 29, 2019
I hit my wife while sleeping NEW
by: Guilty

I wish I had some answers but I am starting to look into this further. I hit my wife occasionally in the middle of the night. We rarely fight about anything and so far I haven’t seen any link there. I probably do it between 1 and 5 times a year. So far its always been with an open hand. I have kicked a few times too. We have been married 30 years but it didn’t start immediately. Not sure when. She used to blow it off and tell me in the morning. Now she slaps back. Usually I wake up but not always. I encourage her to hit back and wake me up. Hell, I started it. When I do wake up I usually am fighting off an intruder or playing football or some sport in a dream. I have even woken myself up a few time hitting the dresser but I sleep better facing her. When we go to sleep we put up a 2 pillow wall between our heads in our king size bed but that doesn’t always work. IMO if the hitter is unremorseful or calls liar then there us a bigger problem. The hitee should consider options like leaving the relationship.

Jun 10, 2019
Happened to me too
by: angie

My partner punched me in my back last night apparently being asleep. It happened for first time.

He often wakes up abruptly, it happens after he has just fallen asleep. We are in our early 30.

I am "glad" to know there are more people experiencing this.

Jul 03, 2019
Narcissists
by: Anonymous

research this word! a pinch or a punch whilst you are asleep is not an accident and is not ok!!!!! get out get far away fron this toxic person it will never get better they are broken you can't fix them help yourself love yourself never let these people come into your life

Jul 17, 2019
I’m confused.
by: Doreen

3 weeks ago I was diagnosed with cancer. 2 rows later due to his lack of support I thought we were ok. I’m now sat down stairs because he in his sleep has hit me hard in the chest. I’m scared. I woke up as he hit me, he said he was miles away....said sorry then turned over. I shouted at him you hit me. He turned round and said he was sorry. THEN turned over and went back to sleep. He knows I got out of bed. Ffs!! I can’t cope with what I am now going through and this! Should I make him move into the spare room? Married for 34 years! Had the usual elbow on the head, but never a blown blow.

Jul 18, 2019
To Doreen
by: To Doreen

Hi Doreen,

It worries me that your partner went back to sleep as if nothing happened.

I once spilled a bit of tea on my partner (not through sleep) and i would feel so guilty that i might have hurt him. I run to the nearest bar io get him ice cubes (we were on vacation so staying in a hotel).

When he is up talk to him and ask that he is more supportive and that you need it now even more because of your health issues. I am sending a lot of love to you!!!!

Jul 29, 2019
Help NEW
by: Anonymous

I have been with my boyfriend just about a year now, he hits and kicks me in his sleep often. At first I thought maybe he was sleeping now I believe he is very aware of his actions and am not sure how to handle it. He is mentally abusing and has been physical other than in his sleep, I now have a fractured tibia because he had kicked me so hard "in his sleep" ... please help

Jul 30, 2019
Fractured tibia?! NEW
by: angie

Girl leave that situation!!!! The moment you suffer real consequences of this is the moment you should step out. Ask him to seek help.... if he loves you and cares about you he should be more than happy to try to solve this problem.

I spilled a little bit of tea on my boyfriend’s back once, by mistake (and not while asleep),i could not sleep later and apologized to him a million times because i was so worried i could have hurt him... if he can sleep peacefully and sees no problem after he’s just broken your bone, that’s a problem....

Did you ask him to see a doctor?

Aug 10, 2019
My bf too! NEW
by: Manda

I’m relieved and a bit horrified to be reading these comments!

I’m up with anxiety right now because my boyfriend whacked me in the back and grabbed my arm and held it in a bit of an awkward position. I know he isn’t doing it intentionally. He thrashes all night. When I say something he wakes up startled and rolls over and is always remorseful, both in the moment AND the next morning. He also talks in his sleep. It’s never aggressive or targeted at me but I have engaged in several amusing "conversations" with him about mostly nonsense. It still makes it hard to sleep and gives me anxiety because I’m a light sleeper. I have been in an actual abusive relationship. This is not that. It just sucks because we love falling asleep and waking up to each other, but this is making it so that we can’t have many sleepovers and I might have to put a stop to them entirely until he sees a sleep doctor and gets treatment. Such a bummer.

People, if your partner shows no remorse (especially if you talk about it during the DAY when you’re both wide awake), BIG RED FLAG! Any normal, caring individual would take necessary steps (like going to see a DOCTOR, there are medications that are 90% effective for real cases). If they aren’t willing to try, it’s probably because it’s abuse or they’re just a crappy person and you definitely deserve better. Get out..

Aug 13, 2019
I punched my wife in the nose! : ( NEW
by: Robert

I'm a 63 year old male that has never purposely hit a woman in my life. I was prescribed 2 mg's of Klonopin from the year 2,000 until a few years ago. It took me like over two years to get off the Klonopin as I went through "protracted Benzo withdrawal" which was horrible.
While I was withdrawing I had a violent dream, as I seemed to have a half a dozen guys kicking me, when I was down in a parking lot. I awoke to my wife grabbing me by my left arm, and trying to keep me from falling to the floor (I was trying to crawl away from the threat)in my mind. Just last night I was in deep REM sleep, and this time like a dozen guys were beating me with their fists. I was getting real tired of defending it, so I turned from my right side, with my left hand made into a fist, and tried hitting all of them with a very hard back-fist.Which is not good because I weigh 210 lbs and used to box and hit hard. Instead I hit my dear wife in the nose, and I woke up and was really dazed, but remembered the dream vividly. I apologized to her multiple times and I felt so bad. After researching this it seems to be REM Sleep disorder. I think twin beds are in our immediate future.
I see the remedy for this is oftentimes Klonopin, and I will "never" take that evil drug again. I personally think it may have caused this behavior over the years.

Aug 22, 2019
Similar situation NEW
by: Anonymous

My wife has a tendency to hit me while she's dead asleep. Even in the crotch and wasn't able to sleep for the rest of the morning. I am a very light sleeper, I'll wake from even my own snoring. Its highly frustrating when you're having a good night's sleep and you get an elbow to the back of your head and you can't fall back to sleep. I don't want to be rude but sometimes I have to wake her to ask her to move and some nights that's impossible without being a total a-hole. I've been going about a month with 2-4 hours of sleep at night. I'm exhausted. And I don't feel its right to be mad at her, even when I am a little bit.

Aug 30, 2019
He hits me every night NEW
by: Anonymous

I wake up every morning with black and blue marks all over my arms and legs. My boyfriend violently kicks and punches me in his sleep every night. He tells me he was fighting in his sleep or being chased. Tonight he kicked me hard on my lower back. We've been together 2 and a half years and he wasn't always like this. I definitely see a correlation between him doing this while drunk. He is verbally abusive to me as well.

Sep 19, 2019
Punched last night NEW
by: Anonymous

Woke up from a backhand to my face. She was yelling "no..stop..move!", then punched me right in the chest hard. I got out of bed and turned the light on and started yelling at her before I realized she was still asleep. She said "I need to get out of here" and tried to stand up to leave with her eyes closed, she was naked.She's a sleep walker, A few months ago I woke up and she was trying to leave the apartment naked thinking the front door was the bathroom door. I had to guide her to the bathroom and put her back to bed. We joke that we should put a wind chime over the door to wake me up when it happens.

Sep 22, 2019
Punching Bag NEW
by: Anonymous

Unfortunately, this is also happening to me almost every night if it’s not an elbow to the face, it’s a punch to the chest. And immediately after it happening I’ll let him know why he did that but all he says is stop yelling at me I didn’t even know I did that . I know he’s taking medication due to rem but maybe we have to consult his doctor about this rem behavioral disorder everyone is talking about.

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